I’m Not Happy In My Relationship But I Love Him – Isn’t Love All That Matters

I’m Not Happy In My Relationship But I Love Him – Isn’t Love All That Matters

But I Love Him & This Is My Story

I’m going to tell you my story. I do not want sympathy. I want you to know you can overcome anything! I was 15 yrs old when I met my husband. He was 19 and I fell in love with him immediately. 💗💗My eyes lit up every time he came into a room. 💗💗 I was young and naive and as he always told people he trained me right.

We moved in together immediately. I cooked his meals, washed his hair, I even bathed him. We drank and partied a lot because we were young but hey I had a man that loved me.  My family adored him, they often would take his side over mine as I was young and just didn’t know what I was talking about. He flirted constantly with other women and when I got upset I would get told “take it or leave it, there’s the door’ I loved him and I stayed.

By the time I was 19 we had met another couple. We were inseparable. We did almost everything together. The boys even worked together. Then it happened! I went over to my best friends house to find the love of my life in bed with her. I was devastated! He begged me to stay with him and he promised he would never hurt me again. Guess what? I stayed. I loved him. We never seen the other couple again.

2 Years Later

When I was 21 we got married. I was the happiest I could ever be. I was in love with the best thing that ever happened to me. When I was 22 we had our son! This little man was and still is my world. We moved into our first house (and our last ) to make extra money my husband and I would deliver pizza in our spare time. I would keep the books and he would drive and deliver. My little guy would stay with my mom, night after night. As my little guy got older, I went back to work. Money was more important to him than we were. My little guy didn’t like his dad very much, he would scream every time I left for work. He would call me at work and be screaming at him because he didn’t know what to do with him. He NEVER changed a diaper, bathed him or anything.

Our lives pretty much stayed the same over the years, I would work, come home and clean, make supper, take care of the hubby and our lil guy, go to bed and do it all over again the next day. He would come home from work and drink all night with his friends. Of course I was miserable but I LOVED HIM and we had our son. I would try and stand up for myself and that’s when the hitting started. He didn’t hit me throughout all the years we were together, but we fought often. I wanted a family. I didn’t want to drink and party all the time. I wanted to go places and take family vacations and we were told “listen, my job comes first, then my friends and my sports, then is you and the boy (that’s what he always called our son)

One night my son was misbehaving and my husband started beating our dog until our son stopped misbehaving. Did I leave him then? nope I loved him and it was our fault we made him mad. The hubby was playing hockey and baseball 2 to 5 nights a week. I would come home and take care of the house and dinner, I would make a take away sandwich to meet him at the arena or ball park with his clean gear. Then depending on the day would leave and take my son to his sports or go home and finish my errands. Then I would go back and pick them up. My hubby would be drinking so I would drive him home. A Lot of the time I would drive his friends home as well. This life went on for years. If I  do as I was told I would get told to leave then! or would get threatened he was going to smash my face in. I stayed.

Almost 20 Years

he left
Before he left & After he left

By this time it was almost 20 yrs, I would get up early, brush the snow off his vehicle and warm it up so he could be toasty warm. I would then make lunches, I would map out his work day for him and do his paperwork for him. Then I would get myself ready for work. Our son was 17 by this time and for some reason things were going extremely well. We were finally becoming the family I always wanted, we were planning a vacation and family trips. One day I was sitting at work and when I answered it, it was an anonymous caller. She was telling me my husband cheated and got her sister pregnant. I was sick!!! How how how, I didn’t believe it at all.  We were happy and everything was going well. My new best friend was my office assistant, she took the phone and hung it up.

I called my husband immediately and asked him. He started to cry and well… didn’t deny it. My friend (assistant) drove me home. He met me there and told me it was true. It was a mistake and begged me not to leave him. I was done! I couldn’t go through this again especially with another child involved. I will never forget what happened next. Him and our son got down on their knees and begged me to forgive him and not hurt our family. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to be there anymore, but I loved him. I would sit and talk to my best friend and she would tell me not to ruin our marriage, that he loved me and no one else. That when she seen how we looked at each other she could only hope one day to feel that love. I stayed.

We went for counselling, after 2 sessions he decided we were fixed and wouldn’t go anymore. He signed all rights away to his other child, stating that it was the child’s fault this all happened. He was ordered by the courts to pay support and he did. A few months later was Christmas and was so beautiful. The best family Christmas we had ever had. He got down on one knee and asked me to marry him again and put a beautiful ring on my finger. I was in love all over again.

Months went by and he was helping me around the house, cooking, spending time with our son. It was amazing. It was getting close to Christmas again and he started acting very strange, distant, hiding his phone. There was no way he would hurt me again, absolutely NO WAY. Christmas morning was off. We didn’t have our normal nice morning, it was quiet and I don’t know; just not right. We were getting ready to go to his parents for Christmas dinner, and I got the nicest text from my bestie wishing me a Merry Christmas, she loved my friendship and we would get together boxing day! I hadn’t had a friend that I trusted in a long time and my friendship with her .. I finally trusted someone again. It made me forget all about how weird he was acting.

We were sitting at his parents house and his grandma needed help, she was about to fall. He went to grab her, as he did his phone fell out of his pocket so I reached out to catch it. In that exact moment his phone vibrated and I looked at it. It was my best friend texting him, and wondering if I had found out about them. OMG not again and on Christmas day in front of everyone! I ran out crying and stayed at a friends house that night. I went home the next day and we barely talked. She texted me and had the nerve to tell me it was my fault. I wasn’t a good friend to her. Well that week I was a complete wreck, it is still kind of blurry. New Years Eve we went to a party that we had made plans weeks in advance.

The next morning he decided he was going drinking with his buddies, told me he loved me and he would be back later. He never came back. He immediately moved in with her. I had a nervous breakdown, lost 65 lbs in 6 weeks. I was destroyed. I woke up every day for my son. Our son quit school, quit sports, got into drugs and was almost arrested. I knew I had to get it together. My husband legally forced me to sell our home and I got an apartment with my son. I started drinking and not caring about myself but hid it from my son. He got it together went back to school and got his diploma. (his dad never even came).

My son and I on his graduation day!

So months went by and I got up every day and fought with myself to do anything at all. 2 years later I was with a guy who treated me even worse than my husband did. He beat me and left me for dead. I woke up in the hospital. It was then I literally woke up. I moved away for awhile to get my head clear. I am now back in town for my family. I get up everyday. I’m not able to work anymore I have PTSD and fibromyalgia and medication for anxiety and depression. Every morning I still get up and get out of bed. It has been 7 years since he walked out on me, my life has been a roller coaster and for the most part not a fun ride.

I am a fighter! I know I am; but I still get lost in those I loved him feelings and still bad days, nightmares and tears, many many tears. I sit and think about my life, and wonder why I haven’t just ended my life ( I did try to take it in the beginning, but someone was looking out for me because it didn’t work) I have a wonderful son, a beautiful family and

My mom and me

a 93 yr old mom that is stronger than anyone I know. That’s how I get up everyday and why I am still here. Now my soon to be ex husband is taking me back to court to try and make me sign off on my support payments. That is the very reason you are reading this today. I started this blog, I’m hoping to somehow create a recipe book and make enough money so I can have him take his money and shove it.

We all go through horrible times, we all deal differently. Never let anyone think you are not important and never think you are alone. There is always going to be at least one person that can make you want to live and keep going. My one person is my son, and I make sure he knows it every single day!

It may sound crazy but I still love him. The difference now is … I LOVE ME MORE!

Update: I am currently in therapy getting EMDR treatments for my PTSD and have filed for divorce FINALLY!



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